Caption Contest

"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko) 11/15/2013 at 11:30 • Filed to: Game

1

43

You have until 5:00 pm EST. h/t to Automach

The Opponaut formerly known as MattP123 > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:34

1

Why did they need to clothe the baby?

ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:34

2

Will it Baby?

Yes.

The Jevans > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:34

11

BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE WOMB VACUUM

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > The Jevans 11/15/2013 at 11:35

0

I LOL'd hard.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > The Opponaut formerly known as MattP123 11/15/2013 at 11:36

0

Isn't that how they form in the womb?

Brian, The Life of > The Jevans 11/15/2013 at 11:36

2

I think we're done here.

HammerheadFistpunch > The Jevans 11/15/2013 at 11:37

1

not much else to say. Accurate and funny.

Dukie - Jalopnik Emergency Management Asshole > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:39

3

"The bag may not inflate, but oxygen is still flowing."

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Brian, The Life of 11/15/2013 at 11:39

1

Somebody might be able to top it. I want people to try still.

McMike > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:40

3

PAPER OR PLASTIC?

The Opponaut formerly known as MattP123 > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:40

5

God this sucks...

Timmy - MINI With a Big Blower > The Jevans 11/15/2013 at 11:41

0

You sir, have won the Internet.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:43

3

"From the makers of the amazing FoodSaver vacuum system for storing food perfectly fresh, comes an exciting new household idea: BabyFresh! Using any ordinary hand-hold vacuum, extract a baby and keep it fresh until ready to use - IN MINUTES! And when you're done, wash bags for re-use! This revolutionary new system uses a specially designed grab-handle system that makes spilling a baby impossible! One push through the cervix with one hand, apply vacuum suction, and pull! The baby won't even have time to cry until you unpack him later!

Better still, the optional crimping ring attachment severs umbilical cords with a snap! With BabyFresh, placentas can be removed and stored separately, and retain their crisp flavor even a month afterward!

But wait, there's more! Order in the next 25 minutes, and not only get a second BabyFresh for the mistress, but we'll also throw in a roll of BabyTape! It's the stylish way to keep a baby attached - no mess, no bulky baby carriers needed, just a couple feet of the roll, and baby stays attached to its mother for hours! Can even be substituted for a diaper - just use a sheet of BabyCloth (sold separately) and attach to that tiny little crotch. One roll each in brown and pink included.

All for 19.95! Order now, operators are standing by at 1-800-BABYSUK"

I have no idea what's wrong with me.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > The Jevans 11/15/2013 at 11:43

0

Heh. I was busy writing basically the whole ad.

The Jevans > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht 11/15/2013 at 11:45

0

I saw that. Bloody hilarious.

The Opponaut formerly known as MattP123 > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:46

2

Baby: "I swear I'm never doing this again..."

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht 11/15/2013 at 11:46

0

You may have topped The Jevans

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > The Jevans 11/15/2013 at 11:46

1

Yours is more succint, I just figured I needed to be more graphic than a single line would permit.

McMike > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:46

1

It was such I good idea. It's a shame it's permanent.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:47

2

Deranged minds think alike, I guess.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:50

1

That's another fine product you can buy As Seen On TV: the VaJumper. Cram it in, teach baby to clothe themselves months, nay, years ahead of schedule!

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > The Jevans 11/15/2013 at 11:51

1

Also, I think we both missed the obvious VacWomb title.

The Jevans > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht 11/15/2013 at 11:52

0

Aw, hell, that would have been perfect.

The Opponaut formerly known as MattP123 > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:52

1

Guy: [to himself] I am totally rinsing this off and trying it out on my junk...

CarFanatic > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:53

1

Baby won't stop crying? Simply place baby in the artificial womb and cover the head with the transparent oxygen-supplying sound blocking material.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > The Jevans 11/15/2013 at 11:56

1

Maybe "1-800-VACWOMB" would be the phone number. You know, one of those phone numbers that leaves you wondering if they're relaunching a previous *awful* product as all-new.

Also works well as a closing punchline.

DailyTurismo > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 11:58

1

Obamacare Introduces Free Baby Bags: If you like your baby, you can keep your baby...in a zip lock bag.

6cyl > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 12:11

1

Everything I am coming up with is completely inappropriate

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > 6cyl 11/15/2013 at 12:12

0

Have you seen the others? Go nuts!

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > McMike 11/15/2013 at 12:16

0

Why is this not Tiny Tanner?

6cyl > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 12:23

1

"Abort-A-Baby, specializing in last minute solutions"

"the Push Back, baby born small, ugly or premature? Return it to the womb for further processing"

Lumpy44, Proprietor Of Fine Gif > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 12:24

1

This is the same feeling you get when you purchase a Prius.

ttyymmnn > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 12:50

0

In case you hadn't seen the reason this picture is in the news:

Car Mechanic Dreams Up a Tool to Ease Births

New York Times

The idea came to Jorge Odón as he slept. Somehow, he said, his unconscious made the leap from a YouTube video he had just seen on extracting a lost cork from a wine bottle to the realization that the same parlor trick could save a baby stuck in the birth canal.

Mr. Odón, 59, an Argentine car mechanic, built his first prototype in his kitchen, using a glass jar for a womb, his daughter’s doll for the trapped baby, and a fabric bag and sleeve sewn by his wife as his lifesaving device.

Unlikely as it seems, the idea that took shape on his counter has won the enthusiastic endorsement of the World Health Organization and major donors, and an American medical technology company has just licensed it for production.

With the Odón Device, an attendant slips a plastic bag inside a lubricated plastic sleeve around the head, inflates it to grip the head and pulls the bag until the baby emerges.

Doctors say it has enormous potential to save babies in poor countries, and perhaps to reduce cesarean section births in rich ones.

“This is very exciting,” said Dr. Mario Merialdi, the W.H.O.’s chief coordinator for improving maternal and perinatal health and an early champion of the Odón Device. “This critical moment of life is one in which there’s been very little advancement for years.”

About 10 percent of the 137 million births worldwide each year have potentially serious complications, Dr. Merialdi said. About 5.6 million babies are stillborn or die quickly, and about 260,000 women die in childbirth. Obstructed labor, which can occur when a baby’s head is too large or an exhausted mother’s contractions stop, is a major factor.

In wealthy countries, fetal distress results in a rush to the operating room. In poor, rural clinics, Dr. Merialdi said, “if the baby doesn’t come out, the woman is on her own.”

The current options in those cases are forceps — large, rounded pliers — or suction cups attached to the baby’s scalp. In untrained hands, either can cause hemorrhages, crush the baby’s head or twist its spine.

Although more testing is planned on the Odón Device, doctors said it appeared to be safe for midwives with minimal training to use.

Along the way, it has won research grants from the United States Agency for International Development and from Grand Challenges Canada. “We’ve given out $32 million for 61 different innovations, and this one is the farthest along,” said Dr. Peter A. Singer, the chief executive of Grand Challenges Canada.

The device will be manufactured by Becton, Dickinson and Company, or BD, of Franklin Lakes, N.J., which is better known for making syringes.

“My first reaction, as soon as I saw it, was positive,” said Gary M. Cohen, the company’s executive vice president for global health. It was at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, that Dr. Merialdi asked him to consider taking it on.

“Many inventions get to the prototype stage, but that’s maybe 15 percent of what needs to be done,” Mr. Cohen said. “There’s finalizing the design for manufacture, quality control, the regulatory work and clinical studies. Absent that, they don’t see the light of day.”

So far, the device has been safety-tested only on 30 Argentine women, all of whom were in hospitals, had given birth before and were in normal labor.

“I was glad they asked me, because it was for a good cause,” said Luciana Valle, a kindergarten teacher who was 31 two years ago when her son, Matteo, was one of the first babies extracted with the device. Because Matteo weighed almost nine pounds, “it really helped,” she said in a telephone interview. “His head came out on my second push.”

The W.H.O. will now oversee tests on 100 more women in normal labor in China, India and South Africa, and then on 170 women in obstructed labor.

In a telephone interview from Argentina, Mr. Odón described the origins of his idea.

He tinkers at his garage, but his previous inventions were car parts. Seven years ago, he said, employees were imitating a video showing that a cork pushed into an empty bottle can be retrieved by inserting a plastic grocery bag, blowing until it surrounds the cork, and drawing it out.

That night, he won a dinner bet on it.

At 4 a.m., he woke his wife and told her the idea that had just come to him. (His own children were born without problems, he said, but he has an aunt who suffered nerve damage from birth.)

His wife, he recalled, “said I was crazy and went back to sleep.”

The next morning, a somewhat skeptical friend introduced him to an obstetrician. “You can imagine these two guys in suits in a waiting room full of pregnant ladies,” he said.

The doctor was encouraging, so he kept working. Polyethylene replaced the bag his wife had sewn, and the jar was replaced by a plastic uterus.

With the help of a cousin, Mr. Odón met the chief of obstetrics at a major hospital in Buenos Aires. The chief had a friend at the W.H.O., who knew Dr. Merialdi, who, at a 2008 medical conference in Argentina, granted Mr. Odón 10 minutes during a coffee break.

The meeting instead lasted two hours. At the end, Dr. Merialdi declared the idea “fantastic” and arranged for testing at the Des Moines University simulation lab, which has mannequins more true-to-life than a doll and a jar.

Since then, Mr. Odón has continued to refine the device, patenting each change so he will eventually earn royalties on it.

“My daughter said, ‘And now I can have my doll back,’ ” he said.

It is too early to know what BD will charge, Mr. Cohen said, but each device should cost less than $50 to make. While the company expects to profit on all sales, it will charge poor countries less.

Dr. Merialdi said he endorsed a modest profit motive because he had seen other lifesaving ideas languish for lack of it. He cited magnesium sulfate injections, which can prevent fatal eclampsia, and corticosteroids, which speed lung development in premature infants.

“But first, this problem needed someone like Jorge,” he said. “An obstetrician would have tried to improve the forceps or the vacuum extractor, but obstructed labor needed a mechanic. And 10 years ago, this would not have been possible. Without YouTube, he never would have seen the video.”

McMike > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 14:43

0

'Cause I'm nowhere near the magic photoshop machine.

That would be funny.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > McMike 11/15/2013 at 14:45

0

You have until 5

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > The Jevans 11/15/2013 at 17:00

0

OK Mr. The Jevans you hath won. Pick a prize, NSFW or a Shooped car

McMike > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 17:24

4

Sorry, I'm 23 minutes late.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > McMike 11/15/2013 at 17:31

0

Can I share this to Oppo?

Fucking perfect.

McMike > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/15/2013 at 17:34

0

I'm one step ahead of you

ttyymmnn > McMike 11/15/2013 at 17:43

0

Sadly, I can only recommend this once.

PatBateman > ttyymmnn 11/15/2013 at 17:49

0

"In case you hadn't seen the reason this picture is in the news:

Car Mechanic Dreams Up a Tool to Ease Births

New York Times

The idea came to Jorge Odón as he slept. Somehow, he said, his unconscious made the leap from a YouTube video he had just seen on extracting a lost cork from a wine bottle to the realization that the same parlor trick could save a baby stuck in the birth canal.

Mr. Odón, 59, an Argentine car mechanic, built his first prototype in his kitchen, using a glass jar for a womb, his daughter’s doll for the trapped baby, and a fabric bag and sleeve sewn by his wife as his lifesaving device.

Unlikely as it seems, the idea that took shape on his counter has won the enthusiastic endorsement of the World Health Organization and major donors, and an American medical technology company has just licensed it for production.

With the Odón Device, an attendant slips a plastic bag inside a lubricated plastic sleeve around the head, inflates it to grip the head and pulls the bag until the baby emerges.

Doctors say it has enormous potential to save babies in poor countries, and perhaps to reduce cesarean section births in rich ones.

“This is very exciting,” said Dr. Mario Merialdi, the W.H.O.’s chief coordinator for improving maternal and perinatal health and an early champion of the Odón Device. “This critical moment of life is one in which there’s been very little advancement for years.”

About 10 percent of the 137 million births worldwide each year have potentially serious complications, Dr. Merialdi said. About 5.6 million babies are stillborn or die quickly, and about 260,000 women die in childbirth. Obstructed labor, which can occur when a baby’s head is too large or an exhausted mother’s contractions stop, is a major factor.

In wealthy countries, fetal distress results in a rush to the operating room. In poor, rural clinics, Dr. Merialdi said, “if the baby doesn’t come out, the woman is on her own.”

The current options in those cases are forceps — large, rounded pliers — or suction cups attached to the baby’s scalp. In untrained hands, either can cause hemorrhages, crush the baby’s head or twist its spine.

Although more testing is planned on the Odón Device, doctors said it appeared to be safe for midwives with minimal training to use.

Along the way, it has won research grants from the United States Agency for International Development and from Grand Challenges Canada. “We’ve given out $32 million for 61 different innovations, and this one is the farthest along,” said Dr. Peter A. Singer, the chief executive of Grand Challenges Canada.

The device will be manufactured by Becton, Dickinson and Company, or BD, of Franklin Lakes, N.J., which is better known for making syringes.

“My first reaction, as soon as I saw it, was positive,” said Gary M. Cohen, the company’s executive vice president for global health. It was at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, that Dr. Merialdi asked him to consider taking it on.

“Many inventions get to the prototype stage, but that’s maybe 15 percent of what needs to be done,” Mr. Cohen said. “There’s finalizing the design for manufacture, quality control, the regulatory work and clinical studies. Absent that, they don’t see the light of day.”

So far, the device has been safety-tested only on 30 Argentine women, all of whom were in hospitals, had given birth before and were in normal labor.

“I was glad they asked me, because it was for a good cause,” said Luciana Valle, a kindergarten teacher who was 31 two years ago when her son, Matteo, was one of the first babies extracted with the device. Because Matteo weighed almost nine pounds, “it really helped,” she said in a telephone interview. “His head came out on my second push.”

The W.H.O. will now oversee tests on 100 more women in normal labor in China, India and South Africa, and then on 170 women in obstructed labor.

In a telephone interview from Argentina, Mr. Odón described the origins of his idea.

He tinkers at his garage, but his previous inventions were car parts. Seven years ago, he said, employees were imitating a video showing that a cork pushed into an empty bottle can be retrieved by inserting a plastic grocery bag, blowing until it surrounds the cork, and drawing it out.

That night, he won a dinner bet on it.

At 4 a.m., he woke his wife and told her the idea that had just come to him. (His own children were born without problems, he said, but he has an aunt who suffered nerve damage from birth.)

His wife, he recalled, “said I was crazy and went back to sleep.”

The next morning, a somewhat skeptical friend introduced him to an obstetrician. “You can imagine these two guys in suits in a waiting room full of pregnant ladies,” he said.

The doctor was encouraging, so he kept working. Polyethylene replaced the bag his wife had sewn, and the jar was replaced by a plastic uterus.

With the help of a cousin, Mr. Odón met the chief of obstetrics at a major hospital in Buenos Aires. The chief had a friend at the W.H.O., who knew Dr. Merialdi, who, at a 2008 medical conference in Argentina, granted Mr. Odón 10 minutes during a coffee break.

The meeting instead lasted two hours. At the end, Dr. Merialdi declared the idea “fantastic” and arranged for testing at the Des Moines University simulation lab, which has mannequins more true-to-life than a doll and a jar.

Since then, Mr. Odón has continued to refine the device, patenting each change so he will eventually earn royalties on it.

“My daughter said, ‘And now I can have my doll back,’ ” he said.

It is too early to know what BD will charge, Mr. Cohen said, but each device should cost less than $50 to make. While the company expects to profit on all sales, it will charge poor countries less.

Dr. Merialdi said he endorsed a modest profit motive because he had seen other lifesaving ideas languish for lack of it. He cited magnesium sulfate injections, which can prevent fatal eclampsia, and corticosteroids, which speed lung development in premature infants.

“But first, this problem needed someone like Jorge,” he said. “An obstetrician would have tried to improve the forceps or the vacuum extractor, but obstructed labor needed a mechanic. And 10 years ago, this would not have been possible. Without YouTube, he never would have seen the video.” "

Longest post on Oppo ever...

UNTIL NOW!! HAHAHAHA!!!

ttyymmnn > PatBateman 11/15/2013 at 18:01

0

Well, I wanted people to be able to read the article, because pay wall.

PatBateman > ttyymmnn 11/15/2013 at 18:35

0

Thanks!